I Need You To Tell Me That I’m A Good Person — Lessons from BoJack Horseman
Disclaimer: This article contains major spoilers for the Netflix series “BoJack Horseman”. Reader discretion is advised — mature themes.
Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?
Having watched the entire series approximately 7 times (or maybe 70 times, I can’t keep track at this point), I can confidently say that I’m rather familiar with the content of the series, or at the very least, can name 30 characters without breaking a sweat. Strangely, despite my familiarity with the content, I continue to learn new things about myself and about people in general every single time I watch it.
So, this time round, instead of showing my gratitude to the show’s creator (ILY Raphael Bob-Waksberg!!!) by watching the entire series yet again, I thought I would sit down and reflect about the bigger life lessons that the scriptwriters were trying to convey to us viewers. Below are some of the most salient points I’ve painstakingly distilled for you guys. Enjoy.
1. Nobody is entitled to forgiveness.
Herb Kazzaz, legendary producer of Horsin’ Around and best friend of 90’s BoJack, has arguably one of the catchiest names (Rutabaga Rabitowitz takes the cake IMO) and the strongest presence in the entire series as a side character. Despite his minimal airtime (made worse by his premature death pretty early on in the series), viewers are frequently reminded of his existence through BoJack’s haunted memories. In BoJack’s Thank You speech during the season premiere of Philbert, he even mistakenly thanked Herb instead of Flip — twice.
And it is for a good reason that BoJack seems so caught up with Herb that he can scarcely function. When he learned that Herb was dying from illness, he desperately scrambled to beg Herb for forgiveness. I believe many of us —myself included — felt extremely bad for BoJack when he was kicked out of the house and denied his only chance of being forgiven.
Despite the #SadDog moment, it does not change the fact that forgiveness is a personal moment between the aggressor and the aggrieved. It is an exclusive right given only to the wronged and hurt. No one should have the right to tell someone to forgive another, or proclaim themselves forgiven just because they have made amends. Doing so is not only selfish but self-aggrandising, because it completely discounts the victim’s pain through quantifying the “inconveniences” and “troubles” you had to bear for their forgiveness. In taking away your victim’s right to decide if they should forgive you, you cruelly dismiss their pain and hurt them once again.
Some may find that a tad too harsh on those who might be genuine about making amends. After all, the past is the past, and if one is truly sincere, they deserve to be forgiven for their misdeeds, right? Regardless of how you feel about this, it is only right that victims have the agency to decide when and whether someone should be forgiven. How sincere one is, or how much they have changed for the better — or any other positive traits someone has — cannot and should not be a factor in deciding if they deserve to be forgiven or not. Even if we don’t think it’s a big deal, who are we to invalidate the victim’s pain? At the end of the day, the choice is up to the victim, and respecting their decision is the least we can do to not dismiss their pain.
2. Trauma cannot justify your bad behaviour.
BoJack Horseman is a haunted individual burdened by countless unresolved trauma, debilitating insecurities, and anxiety-induced phobia. Over the years, his irresponsible behaviour had left behind a growing slew of victims in its wake: Herb, Sharona, Todd, Princess Carolyn, Emily, Sarah Lynn, the Carson family, Gina, and others. Despite being aware of this consistent pattern of toxic behaviour, BoJack always chose the easy way out —to do nothing instead of getting help or addressing his underlying issues. Up until his admission into Pastiches, BoJack had believed that he was so broken beyond repair he could never be fixed again, and so he never tried.
Understandably, trauma can affect an individual’s mental health in ways that cannot be easily understood. Childhood trauma in particular can have severe and far-reaching impact on a person’s psyche and morality — some lasting a lifetime. While I understand the crippling extent to which an individual’s mental bandwidth may be taxed by severe trauma, I nevertheless believe there exists a point in a person’s life when their bad behaviour can no longer be excused by tragedy.
However, ascertaining where this abstract point lies is the tricky business. At which point should BoJack bear the full blame of his actions? Is there even a definable point? For me, that point for BoJack came towards the end of Season 3 when Todd, thrice hurt by BoJack then, told him straight to his face that he “can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about (him)self like that makes it okay”. That was the moment I thought to myself, “Todd’s exactly right.” Being a trauma survivor does not absolve you from responsibility. While we may not be responsible for the trauma inflicted upon ourselves, we are singularly responsible for the trauma we inflict upon others when we fail to address and process our own trauma.
BoJack himself finally understood this after undergoing therapy at Pastiches. When Doctor Champ relapsed into alcoholism and blamed him for it, BoJack refused to be dragged into his sob story. In that moment, BoJack recognised that his trauma does not define him, and that Doctor Champ, like himself, was fully responsible for his own toxic behaviour.
Side note: Beatrice Horseman would serve as a great example here as well. (I absolutely loved her in the series. Her character adds so much depth and emotional layers to the story.)
3. Stop romanticising your pain.
I’m not sure who needs to hear this as well, but this is something that I am still struggling with from time to time.
In the episode “Good Damage”, when Diane was trying to justify her insistence on writing a memoir, she said something that hit close to home:
“Because if I don’t, that means that all the damage I got isn’t good damage, it’s just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it, and all those years I was miserable was for nothing.”
Pain is horrible, and when life is constantly throwing pain our way, it’s human nature to want to attribute some kind of meaning to it. After all, what even is the point of all this suffering if we don’t get anything from enduring it? Pain is gain, right?
After rewatching the episode, I’ve come to accept that sadly, there’s nothing special about pain — it’s just a feeling like any other. Experiencing pain is not going to “build your character” or “make you stronger”, despite what we think. We only desperately want to believe that something good comes out of pain because pain makes us miserable, and we want something to show for being miserable.
Our belief in the existence of “good pain” is fundamentally toxic. If something is good, we tend to want more of it. In other words, Fetishising pain makes us love pain. When we believe that there is a good lesson to be learned or a “prize” at the end of our suffering, it makes us gravitate towards pain and purposefully place ourselves in painful situations. We treat experiences of pain like gymming for the mind, and feel proud of ourselves for not backing out. Afterwards, we try to “forget” about our trauma because that’s just a mini roadblock in our journey towards achieving ultimate mental fortitude. In the end, we believe ourselves to be stronger and better than others who have not gone through the same pain.
It’s easy to see why believing in “good pain” can ultimately make us more miserable. Dismissing pain without first processing it makes us emotionally numb towards all degrees of trauma. And because pain, like any other feeling, is relative to other emotions, our experiences of joy or pride will also be inevitably diminished. Over time, neglecting our trauma turns us into emotional zombies incapable of understanding how we feel.
To prevent that from happening, we need to first accept that pain is a constant in life, and that justifying it does not make it go away. While our experiences of pain are typically out of our control, how we process and respond to it is entirely up to us.
Remember, there is no “good damage”.
Bonus: Don’t be afraid of disappointment.
Something Princess Carolyn said had stuck with me ever since I heard it. Here goes:
This sentence resonated with me, because this is a constant fear I have about my writing. What if, in 10 years, I suddenly realise that being a writer doesn’t make me as happy as I thought I’d be? If that happens, all the time and effort I’ve invested into writing would be for naught. I would end up adrift at 34, struggling to make ends meet as I work to “discover” a new passion that will drive me towards the happiness I desire. Is writing REALLY something that will make me happy?
It sounds stupid when I write it down, but this is a legitimate fear of mine. I’m afraid that I have chosen the wrong passion to invest in when the time and effort could have been placed elsewhere. Perhaps getting married would be a better life investment?
After thinking about it for some time, I think I’ve kind of arrived at a conclusion: Life is unpredictable, and it’s a waste of time trying to predict it. Instead of fearing how to live, we should just live. At least, when I get disappointed at 34, I would have had the chance to experience the joys and frustrations of writing that is unique to me. Most importantly, I would have lived for my dream.
To illustrate this using the classic “deck of cards” metaphor:
In life, we will be dealt with disappointing cards from time to time. Not flipping the card does not change the fact that the card is there.
To have something that you’ve wanted for so long turn out to be a disappointment will definitely suck big time. But to not work for it simply because you’re afraid of disappointment sucks even more.
What I’ve written above are my personal takeaways from repeated viewings of BoJack Horseman. I hope you’ve gained something from reading this article, and that these lessons will help guide you in some ways in life.
Leaving you guys with this quote from Diane in the last scene of the series:
“Sometimes life’s a bitch and then you keep living.”
Rock on, folks! Till the next time.
*This article was particularly challenging to write because I took quite some time thinking and planning how to structure my points coherently. I’ll try to write more reflective pieces like this to practise penning my thoughts down in a logical way!
